July 31 Editorial

We’ve all been to Wal-Mart and witnessed behavior by people that somehow seemed to make us feel superior, either because we were shopping with all of our body parts fully concealed, our kids were well behaved rather than screaming bloody murder while running up and down the aisles, or we appeared to have evolved past knuckle dragging and mouth breathing. This week, I joined the ranks of those ill-mannered folks of Wal-Mart, and believe it or not….it was awesome.
Last week, I took a nasty spill that left me with a badly twisted knee that on a scale of one to ten was a 15 when it came to pain. For the first few days, I was out of commission, keeping as still as possible on the couch with my knee elevated and wrapped in ice.
Around day four, I realized that if someone didn’t get to the store for groceries, both me and my husband were going to starve to death. So instead of going to the store for me, my helpless husband convinced me to load up and head to Wal-Mart. It was late, so I figured the store would be empty enough that I could ride on one of those motorized carts that are generally driven by people who not only don’t need them, but abuse the privilege by taking up entire aisles, driving too slowly, or crashing into anything in their path.
I reluctantly hopped on one of the carts and quickly realized that these things would not only move, they could turn on a dime too! I channeled my inner brat as I zoomed up and down the aisle while my husband searched for the perfect loaf of bread. I was becoming one of those people I hate, and I didn’t even care. It was too much fun.
I kept it together for the remainder of our shopping trip until my husband decided to stop at the sporting goods section. Bored out of my mind, I told him I was going to go cruise the health and beauty section to get myself some much needed shampoo and a fresh ACE bandage.
I hit the throttle and was quickly speeding past the toy section when something caught my eye. I threw my cart in reverse and “beeped” my way back to an amazing display of Ninja Turtle merchandise. Within seconds I was dressed with a Ninja Turtle shell on my back, a full faced Leonardo mask, and armed myself with foam nun chucks.
I spent the next ten minutes flying by each of the aisles my husband was frequenting, alternating choruses of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…..heroes in a half shell….turtle power” and showing off my awesome one legged ninja skills. He was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his face. I’m pretty sure I just solidified his choice in marrying me. Thank goodness the store was empty.
After begging for him to buy me the toys I was sporting with no positive result, I put my gear back on the shelves and pouted my way up to the front of the store with him to check out. With only one line open that late at night, there were a few people who had joined the line behind us when my husband forgot that it was 2014 by acting like it was his first time seeing a credit card machine…ever.
I began circling around him in my cart, honking the horn and saying, “Beep Beep!! You’re holding up the line.” The people in line were dying laughing while my husband pretended he didn’t know who I was. As I spun in circles, cutting what I called “doughnuts”, I noticed the security guard had spotted me. I thought for sure this is where I was going to lose my cart privileges, but instead she high fived me and said, “That’s some of the best work I’ve ever seen in here.”
Turns out, behaving badly at Wal-Mart isn’t frowned upon after all. At least if you’re awesome. I only wish I could’ve gotten a copy of the security tape.
In the end, my behavior was deplorable and I should be embarrassed. Unfortunately, I’m not. Had it been a crowded store I probably wouldn’t have done it, but let’s face it….if you can’t be an idiot at Wal-Mart, where can you be an idiot?
In my opinion, the motorized carts are the only way to shop at Wal-Mart. I guess I’m going to have to injure myself more often!