April 3 Editorial

This week in honor of my recent birthday, I thought I would share some of the important lessons that I have learned about getting older.
1) I no longer need candles on my cake – While at dinner with some of my dearest friends, a cake was brought to the table with enough candles on it that I’m almost sure it was a fire hazard. The worst part about this flaming heap of icing was that not only could they not keep all the candles lit at once, but by the time they had finally achieved this goal, so much wax had already melted onto the cake that it ruined the top layer. Not to mention the shower of hot wax my friends across the table got when I blew as hard as I could like a three year old to get them all out before the sprinklers came on.
2) Just say no to shots - I get it…..it’s my birthday, and while I appreciated both my friends and all of the well-wishing strangers attempt to make me feel special on my birthday with various shots of all strengths, flavors, and colors, I must learn to pass….at least on a few. Never one to turn down a free drink, or to deny a friendly gesture, I made the mistake of indulging in more than enough birthday love. Going from 0 to 500 mph in less than five seconds is not safe no matter what. Which brings me to my next lesson learned.
3) High heels are not your friend after the age of 30 – Say what you want, but heels are painful when you are sober and just plain dangerous when you aren’t. There’s nothing like trying to make a graceful and slightly sexy exit only to realize the only kiss you’re going to be getting is from the concrete…..on your face. In any woman’s defense on this one, the downtown streets are a virtual deathtrap of heel murder due to their “historic” unevenness. If you ask me, any woman that chooses to wear heels to do simple tasks like grocery shopping, cleaning the house, or chasing after a child clearly has no pain receptors and therefore should not be trusted at any time…..she is an alien life form.
4) After 30, the parties end earlier- You’ve invited all the people you love. They’ve all gathered to celebrate you! Dinner was amazing. Now you are ready to hit the town, but everyone wants to go home. This sucks. Although I may be over 30, I’m pretty much the only person I know who either a) doesn’t have kids, b) isn’t pregnant, or c) doesn’t get up at 5 am to go to the gym before work. When did everyone get so old? It’s my party and I’ll cry if it makes them all feel guilty enough to party with me. Immature, I know, but it works like a charm.
5) The hangovers are getting WAY worse – As I creep more and more into my 30’s, the fun nights out aren’t so fun in the morning. In my younger days, I could party to the cows came home with no down time the next day. This past weekend, one night of birthday fun had me feeling like I was going to die for 36 straight hours. Needless to say, Friday night was fun, but it totally wasn’t worth sacrificing the rest of my weekend. If a BC Powder, some fried chicken, and a gallon of sweet tea can’t get you over this hump, nothing will.
6) All you really want for your birthday from your husband is a rain check on the freaky stuff – see #5…..enough said.
All in all, getting older isn’t so bad. I’m blessed to have a wonderful family, great lifelong (and new) friends, and a job and husband that afford and allow me to pump artificial fillers and botulinum into my face until I feel 29 again. Each year, I get older, wiser, and care infinitely less about impressing others. You won’t believe the time you waste on that in your 20’s. That and shaving your legs.
Growing old gracefully is something I’d like to set my sights on, but knowing me I’ll just barrel into it full speed, heels on with a shot in one hand and a thumbs up on the other. I mean, you may have to grow old, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow up.