November 7 Editorial

By: Kelly Woodard

As soon as the Halloween décor goes on the clearance rack, it begins. That wonderful/awful time of year when you can’t turn on the television without seeing a Toys R Us or “Every kiss begins with Kay” commercial. That’s right people…..the holiday season is upon us.
Just last week, I was competing against a 76 year old woman dressed in lingerie while she twerked as Miley Cyrus in a Halloween Contest. The next day, I entered Wal-Mart to find jolly elves and sleigh bells ringing all over the store. Settle down people! It’s still 80 degrees outside. I’m clearly not ready for this.
I could already feel the electricity building in the little ones as I watched them tear through the pages of Wal-Mart’s carefully placed ‘Must Have Toy Book’. (I say “electricity”, but what I really mean is “demon spawned bratty-ness”. Potato, pot-a-toe.)
I witnessed one little girl clutching a Monster High doll with a Kung Fu death grip threatening her mom that if she couldn’t have the doll now, she would call child services. Her mother kindly explained that she couldn’t have the doll now because Santa was bringing her one for Christmas, but only if she is a good little girl.
Good thing I wasn’t her mother, because I probably would’ve smacked her with the doll a few times then dialed child services on my cell for her. Now I don’t condone violence, especially on children, but kids nowadays have it way to easy. My mom would’ve said something more like this….“Sure, you can call child services, but when they get here, they’ll have a reason to be here.” That was the end of that, and I turned out just fine. Kids today…..sheesh!!!
Yesterday, while in a hurry and sweating profusely, I pumped gas while listening to Jingle Bells on the speaker. I tried to ignore it, but then an overly chipper woman’s voice came over the speaker saying, “Happy Holidays! Be sure to buy your special someone a Tom Thumb gift card and tickets from the Florida Lottery.”
I cringed when I thought about what kind of person must do their Christmas shopping at Tom Thumb. Really, dude? That’s the best you can do? There’s a Target with a Starbucks in it, 30 yards away. Take a walk. I guess it’s the thought that counts.
Maybe when the weather cools off a bit more I can bust out my Thanksgiving Turkey hat and my ugly Christmas sweater to get me into the spirit of things. Until then, I’ll watch my TV commercials on mute, avoid any place that sells toys, and try my best not to kill certain family members who may or may not be related to me by marriage.
So bring on the turkey, holiday lights, and the tree, because like it or not, the Holidays are on the way.
Dear Santa,
I have been so good this year. If you bring me a $10 gift card from Tom Thumb, I will cut you.